The Devils are Here

empireY’alllllll… EMPIRE IS BACK! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been ready for Cookie, Luscious, Boo Boo Kitty and all of the antics! My issue is, I have a classmate that DOGS Empire, saying that it distracts black people from the true state of current events that affect us. On the other side I have The Husband asking questions when he walks in the room but then calling it ratchetness on his way out. …

it can’t be ratchetness. I already watch ALL of the Love & Hip Hop series so I can’t be committed to anything else ratchet (even though I LIVE for Cookie and that don’t-test-my-thug look that she backs up every time)!

So I decided to challenge myself:  in order for me to keep watching Empire and feel as though my husband and classmate are wrong and I am not losing brain cells in the forty-two minutes of my life that I commit to these episodes, I have to learn something new every episode. That is why this isn’t your normal TV show recap; I’m not trying to get you caught up from last season – that’s what hulu and Amazon are for. I’m not here to replay the episode for you – I’m sure there’s some blog somewhere that’s already doing that. I’m here to learn something. Anything. And prove that my forty-two minutes of life wasn’t in vain.

Now, I know some people felt like last night’s episode was boring and a waste of time, but – biased as I am – I really did enjoy the star-studded guest cast in roles that were truly unexpected. Last season we got a bunch of artists popping up as guests stars playing themselves, and last night we had Tyra Ferrell as a prosecutor, Chris Rock as a old drug dealer (& some kinda pseudo-thug), Ms. Lawrence singing on the piano… Chile, I wasn’t ready!! But as promised, I did learn a few things…

1.) Women can hold onto a grudge like a baby with a pacifier and men are more sensitive than your scalp with new sewed-in extensions! I already knew this, but… When Jamal told Cookie she needed to go see Luscious and she asked him if any of them bothered to tell him that when she was rotting away I could FEEL the venom built on the backbone of seventeen years of federal prison that has yet to be erased by freedom and money. And the NERVE of Luscious to tell Jamal during their visit that Cookie hasn’t come to see him once (in three months)… Bruh! Seventeen years! ‘Nuff said.

2.) Al Sharpton needs some cornbread and fatback in his diet. Now, I don’t know if that man is diabetic or just overdoing it on the weight loss, but he looks like a bobble-head with a bad perm. I appreciated how Cookie blew him off for trying to throw mad shade on Luscious, but what she should’ve done was invite him over for dinner and get him some real food or at least offer him a seat in her stylist’s chair, ‘cus that perm gots to go!

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3.) As handsome as I find Jamal to be, this men wearing skinny jeans and slim cut pants fad needs to DIE and be set on fire never to return again! I just can’t. Every man is NOT Prince. That shit is not for you. Your testicles are crying out, “Give us free!” and you are ignoring them!

4.) Tyra Ferrell (Roxanne) was an over the top, super sexy, filter-free firecracker of a character before that was the thing for a black actress to be… and she is STILL BAD! In case you missed it:                                                                                                                                                     LUSCIOUS: …you ain’t go’n never be nothing but a black bitch in cheap shoes to me.          ROXANNE: A black bitch in cheap shoes that’ll jam them right up your yella ass.

Poetic Justice is MY MOVIE, and I saw and heard Miss Jessie pop up on the scene in this ninety second exchange and that absolutely made my night! If you don’t remember her from School Daze, Boyz in the Hood, and Poetic Justice, you been sleepin’ and slippin’, but you better know that she brought that same sassy, no-nonsense fire with her to Empire, and I’m ready for more of THAT!

5.) Boo Boo Kitty ain’t all bougie… When she started twerking, I almost lost it.                      Yeah… I got nothing else for that.

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6.) There are some people that you love no matter what they put you through. Cookie and Luscious love-hate each other to death, but when Cookie told Luscious somebody (Frank) was messing with them and he needed to fix it, he didn’t hesitate to get it fixed no matter how pissed he was with her. Now, I must say, I was not ready for nor totally convinced by Chris Rock as Frank Gathers – the drug dealer Cookie was scared to rat out (until that closed federal hearing). Unfortunately, when you’re a comedian and a comical actor it’s hard for your audience to see you as something as serious and hardcore as a drug dealer who got the game and the streets on lock… especially when you sitting in a jail cell eating, taking little bird bites of food wearing a plastic bib. Really, doe? I mean, he tried real hard to come at Luscious like he was a thug, all, “This is between me and Cookie; me and you are cool.” But bay-bee… you can’t come for a man’s heart and don’t expect to come face-to-face with a beast, and Luscious is that beast (and I am definitely here for that sexy, psychotic shit)! SMH I thought we would see a little more of Chris Rock, but Luscious couldn’t let Pookie live after that. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, step your New Jack City game up!)

7.) There are some people that you love no matter what they put you through. Yes, Cookie betrayed Luscious trying to take Empire (I’m on the fence about that seeing as how she did seventeen fed years so he could build Empire; and the feds want day for day time – that means none of this 80% business the state wants… Sorry, I’m slipping back into my correctional officer days…), but that’s between Cookie and Luscious. I don’t care how grown Jamal is now, he’s their child and should stay in a child’s place – as the old people say. Luscious threw him in a trash can as a child and would barely acknowledge him as a man simply for being gay, but once he let Jamal run Empire in the first episode we see how he turned his back on his mama, called her “Lady,” and put her out of his daddy’s house – the same daddy who couldn’t stand him for the first three-quarters of season one. Hopefully his misguided loyalty doesn’t lead him astray.

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FAVORITE LINE OF THE NIGHT:                                                                                                     COOKIE: I thought I told you to sleep with her.                                                                                   BOO BOO KITTY: I did.                                                                                                                      COOKIE: You can’t even dyke right.

Sadly, what I really learned is that Empire is ratchet… and thuggish… and ghetto… all glamorously wrapped up in glitter and gold wearing Tom Ford shoes and Gucci dresses, but I LOVE IT, I’m hooked, and I’m here for all the shenanigans! I am totally committed to seeing what else I can “learn” this season.

What did you learn???

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