Let me begin by saying that I wrote this blog post on 2 January 2017… and it took me 8 days to decide if I was even going to post this. Did I even want to be this transparent? I’m still not 100% sure that I do, but maybe someone (other than me) needs this in their life…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. In my determination to begin 2017 as strong as possible, I felt very compelled to read this book… and I don’t even know why. I was scrolling through my Amazon app and this was one of my suggested items, so – not even in the market for a new book at the time – I checked it out. In looking into the book, the Year of Yes Journal was also a suggested item.
It spoke to me.
It tugged at me.
I put them both in my cart for later and went to do something else, but even when I wasn’t on Amazon, it whispered to my spirit and wouldn’t let me go. Two days later I hit “place order,” and it arrived in time for me to look through it before the new year rolled in.
I put the book aside and began to thumb through the journal to get an idea of what I was supposed to be writing about, and my wheels began to turn.
What is my vision for myself this year? Who do I want to be? What do I want to say yes to?
I put the journal down and walked away. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to write or to think… but the thoughts came anyhow.
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to say yes to?
I had a few vague, open-ended answers, but that wasn’t good enough for me, so even when I told myself I wasn’t ready my mind and my heart started conversing without me and pumping out answers. Because I’m something of a perfectionist, I typed my thoughts out in my phone and jotted them down on some scrap paper, so that when I was ready to transfer them to the journal it would all be together.
It’s Day 2 of my own Year of Yes, and after having committed so much energy to the vision that I have for myself this year, I decided to start reading the book.
“If they had asked, I would have said no.
…Why would I have said no?
…Because it’s scary.”
This is an excerpt from page sixteen. I finished the page and the next few, and I stopped reading so I could go back and re-read page sixteen.
…Because it’s scary.
If three words ever resounded with me, ever reverberated in my soul, it’s these three. They are simple and true and brought me to tears. They made me stop in my tracks and go back to my journal and add to the vision that I have for myself this year. They made me pick up my laptop and begin this blog post. They made me angry with myself for being scared of the things that I want so badly, that – if I’m finally honest with myself – I haven’t been giving my all to because. It’s. Scary.
On my “Happy New Year” Facebook and Instagram posts, the first thing I said was F* fear, and here was Shonda Rhimes sitting across from me on my grandmother’s couch holding up a mirror to my face and gently removing the mascara and lipstick of life and strength I had painted on and showing me the fear that’s been hiding underneath, and enough is enough!
I don’t know if you subscribe to the idea of choosing one word for the new year to motivate you and drive you forward, but last year my word was FEARLESS. Funny thing is, the way that I thought I was accepting this word was not the way it played out. I wanted to be fearless in my business goals and wound up being fearless in life and love and family and friendships – both accepting new and releasing old. I want to say that I missed my mark, and even though I kinda feel that way, I learned so much more than I bargained for.
This year I have a theme instead of a word and part of that theme is COURAGEOUS. I’m sure you’re looking sideways at that statement, like, aren’t they the same thing? No, I don’t think so. To me fearless says that I am absent of fear, and (in my best Maury Povich voice) we have determined that’s a lie. Courage means that in spite of your fear you do it anyway, and that’s what I want. EVERY. SINGLE. YES… Every one that I have mentally and physically begun to commit to is scary as hell, but I refuse to do anything but keep going. I want to slap a muzzle and a set of handcuffs on Fear as she walks beside me or even straps herself on my back and DO IT ALL ANYWAY!
I’m scared, but I’m silently excited. I don’t want to speak on what I want and am working towards because then it becomes real. Once you speak on it you give it life and you have to act on it otherwise you were just talking shit, and while I enjoy talking shit there comes a time when you can no longer simply talk shit, you have to get out and do shit. That time has come for me, and I want it so badly that I’m in tears typing this because I know it’s time. It’s time, not to eliminate my fear, but to face it head on and snatch her ass up! If she wants to go along for the ride, that’s fine; but ride together we will because there will be no bathroom breaks, no rest stops, and definitely no turning around on this trip. Whether we’re afraid of the journey or what we’ll find when we get there, we won’t stop until we’ve reached our destination!
I didn’t know why this book wouldn’t leave me alone, and I’m only on page twenty sixty-five, but just as it is on Thursday nights, Shonda Rhimes is changing my life one deeply held breath at a time…
Check back for my insights on the book and my continued journey.